September 18, 2012
I think of you from time to time and my heart alights with joy. You make your own way, and it’s brilliant and bold. Our paths are moving parallel; moving forward, each in our own way, on our own planes. Where we’ll be when they cross again is unknown. Still, when I think about you, I remember that love transcends oceans of time and space.
It seems that somehow in our culture, there is an emphasis on turning our feelings for people with whom we’ve experienced circumstances of heart-hurt toward the negative – as if this will somehow make our hearts hurt less. I will not succumb to this notion, because I have no boundary for the way I love you. You are not “boyfriend material” for me right now. I don’t even know what that means, except that it’s silly. We get so bogged down by crazy labels and some supposed expectations, when it should really just be about the connection, the intimacy, loving and supporting each other – holding each other up, the whole world round – believing that love is triumphant. Honestly, I’m not quite sure I know what being “girlfriend material” means either, except maybe I pick unavailable men because I’m secretly afraid of commitment. At least, that’s a common theory that has been presented to me over the years. I guess it makes sense. I was born in the “Week of the Loner (Pisces II)”. All I really want is to do my own thing, and be loved and supported in that. I don’t think that’s asking too much of anyone who loves me, because I would want to do that for all those whom I love. Right now, I find I need to forge ahead, explore, and find my way on my own, and I am getting all kinds of support from every direction.
Yet, I am not willing to deny the love that stands before me like the sun in the day. I love being your lover, but for now, as my life blossoms at a dramatic and frightening and exhilarating pace, my love for you is for my friend. You have always been honest with me. You never set me up for heartache. I’m glad I was able to be there for you in your time of need. In a way, it is a very selfless act for you to let me go when you have this monumental task at hand that requires your full attention and focus, and you’re changing so fast. It would be worse to actually, be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me, than it is to be released from one. For this, I am grateful.
If I may use the old platitude that each of us has our own emotional inner-child who dwells on, usually, an event in our youth (varying in age – my scared, little girl is between the ages of four and six). These ‘kids’ spend a lot of time (as I did in my youth) digging out self-created, uphill battles for us. They’re used to and have come to expect the things we fear most, and they do their best to create it for us. For so long, I have believed that if I somehow rid myself of this small and frightened (and annoying) little girl, I could free the fantastic woman. I have come to discover that only when I trust myself, release myself from judgment, and follow my heart does that small girl feel honored and nurtured. These feelings can’t always be rationalized by the intellect, but it’s important to understand which parts of myself are feeling them.
I know I am happiest when I feel the strong, brave, loving, and empowered woman within myself rising up to greet the day. It’s a feeling of vitality, warmth, and peace that eases my fluttering heart. It’s nearly impossible to hold onto those feelings all the time. The older I get this gets easier. However, certain parts of my life will trip me up. Breaking the pattern is a challenge that continually presents itself, and it’s a good one. Relationships, and (pretty much) everything else in our lives, present a challenge. The day we stop confronting and learning from challenges is the day we grow old and die. Life is difficult enough, presenting challenges of its own that are more enriching than our small, petty ones. Learning how to use my voice in intimate relationships is one of my biggest challenges, and I know I am still fairly awkward, but I need to express to you that I believe in the power of love (and then that song gets stuck in my head). Also, I feel both scared and brave, insecure and upheld, I love you, I miss you, and all of this is okay. I no longer need to fight uphill battles with myself.
I am your friend for life and I want to uplift you, to support you in your determination and diligence. This is how I love you the most. You walk with your head up and your heart forward with grace, love, compassion, integrity and gratitude. I vowed to do this at my self-wedding, and so, what I love about you most is what my intention is for my life to be. I do love the way you love me. Being with you is so easy (as it should be), even if it’s not easy right now. I can always just be myself with you. I never fear any harsh judgment from you. It’s easy for me to do my own thing. It’s easy for me to live my own life. I have always loved your presence. Whenever you would call me or show up in my life, I was always happy to hear from you, or see you; excited you would want to spend time with me and happy to share my ideas about life with you. Why do you think I would try to visit you in Santa Fe every time I came through? Of all the people I know in Santa Fe, you are the only one I cared about contacting. I love being around you. You’re fun.
So, then we made love… I still sometimes think about the way you touch me. I imagine your hand moving down my back or pressing me into you, and I have to shake myself out of the memory. I may want to be your lover again, but life is mysterious and the future unknown. I am super-excited to see my friend again at some point, hopefully sooner than later (and maybe we can make out or do it, maybe not). We will always love each other because we will always be friends. When you start dating someone else, I can’t say right now if I will feel a small twinge of jealousy, or not. However, your love for anybody else would never diminish your love for me, nor mine for you, because our love is rooted in friendship, and those roots spread far and wide.
I want you to find love in your life, even if it’s not with me. I want you to find someone you can bare your soul to, someone you can trust to form a united front with, someone you would choose to be your family. I hope this for myself, as well. Perhaps we were just playing, and all we had was a spectacular summer affair, but to me it was a taste of something I truly would like to have happen in my life. It was so sweet and golden, like you are so sweet and golden, as am I.
I would never want to be a stressful factor in your life. Maybe I already have been. I see that a relationship of the romantic nature would be stressful for you right now. I’ve known that from the beginning of our little affair. So, I’ll go on my merry way and hold myself open for a surprise. I don’t know what’s coming, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be good. I know that our love is not weakened because I’ve adored you since I’ve first known you, anyway. If the idea of being with me stresses you out, well then, count me out – we can just be friends. First and foremost, our friendship prevails.
We are family, chosen by us and by God. I do not believe it an accident that we are, thus, so loved. I’ve found that just being happy for you for making this colossal step toward growth, and the actualization of your potential and happiness, heals my heart and makes me happy for me, too. And so, when I think of you and how you are moving forward in your life and how I’m moving forward in mine, I am filled with joy and exuberance for this miracle-filled journey. I am grateful to be blessed with such a beautiful, fantastic man for a friend. I love you, my darling.
Sincerely yours,
Kiki